Day 25: Welcoming Prosperity

Dear Universe,
I welcome prosperity, wealth, and endless resources.  Thank you for sending me the messages of opportunity, for givinig me the drive to pursue them, and for having them result in generous gifts of money, love, and kindness.  Thank you.

Day 23: Attracting Riches

As I've written before, I know that riches include wealth and prosperity, but are certainly not limited to those.  Richess have much more than a monetary value.  The greatest richness is love and support from family and friends. 

I've found that during my cancer struggle, many of those friends poop out after a while.  While a cancer patient's life can be drastically altered, those around him or her still have their same, busy lives.  Considering this, I'm so grateful for a few recent surprises of riches being attracted to me.  This week alone, two friends, rather two acquaintances, brought over the most marvelous meals for our family, one with a side of goregous sun flowers that rest on our side table in the living as the first thing anyone sees when they walk in the room.  The second was just as marvelous, brought to us in an adorable picnic basket with chocolate cake for dessert.  My boys loved that.

More riches that came into my life was a surprise package in the mail yesterday.  It was addressed to me with the return label of the company, but no card inside.  Inside the package was an empowering sweatshirt labeling me a cancer survivor and fearless woman.  The shadow of the woman on the front had long hair, reenforcing my desire, my need, to get hair extensions as soon as my hair is 2 inches long.  What a fun treat that will be. 

I welcome all riches. "Riches of all sorts are drawn to me."  I deserve them, appreciate them, and live with the reality that I am magnet for them.  Thank you, God.

Day 22: I Create Wonderful New Beliefs for Myself

From Inner Wisdom by Louise L Hay, p. 25

"These are some o fthe beliefs that I have created for myself over a period of time that really work for me:

I am always safe.

Everything I need to know is revelaed to me.

Everything I need comes to me in the perfect time-space sequences.

Life is a joy and is filled with love.

I am always healthy and whole.

I prosper wherever I turn.

I am willing to change and grow.

All is well in my world."

Day 21: 5am

When I woke up to see the clock read 3:22 am, I wasn't surprised.  I've been waking up quite a bit in the middle of the night.  The pre-chemo steroids amp me up, which is fine during the day, but quite a dread at night.  Just like the previous night, I sat at my computer answering emails and pretending there was something interesting enough on the Internet to keep me out of bed.  By 4:00am I was lying down again, hoping sleep would come.  Our 6-year-old had climbed in bed with us in the middle of the night, so I had a chance to get in some quality snuggling -- with his foot.  Truly.  He had attached himself to my husband and short of me putting all three bodies in a 3-foot clump on the edge of our king-sized bed, I just grabbed on to any body part he had that was near me, and snuggled.  I told myself that if I was still awake by 5:00, I'd get up and start my morning routine.  The next time I propped myself up to look at the clock on my husband's nightstand, it read 5:00 exactly.  Well, time to get up.

Last night I attended a book signing event at a local wine bar.  Nice ambiance. :)  The book's author is a cancer survivor from her early 20's who went on to lose her husband about 8 years later to cancer, leaving her to raise her son alone.  Her story is about coping with his illness, death, and life afterwards.  While the book is surely moving, what struck me most about her is how she turned tragedy around into helping others.  She's since established a non-profit called Don't Wait, encouraging people to seek the achievement of goals they had been putting off for whatever reason.  Profits from her book sales and Don't Wait pendants help finance the non-profit.  She is also promoting a television pilot, a type of reality show during which she seeks out people with Don't Wait goals and helps those goals come to fruition.

Part awe.  Part inspriation.  Part jealousy.  Part guilt.  What am I doing with my life?  Why haven't I taken advantage of this time off to start another business?  To write another book?  (Oh wait, I wrote one.)  To find ways to make more money?  To be that expert on TV offering advice in some area -- education, children, living your best life?

Oh wait, I've done all that before.  Was I more joyful when I was running my tutoring company, driving all over the Sacramento area meeting families, interviewing and hiring tutors, matching them with needy students, marketing, sending out invoices, collecting on unpaid invoices?  Not really.  If I could structure it so that I could get some help, I think I might like it again.  I'll process all that and meditate on it and see where it leads me.   

What about writing?  I obviously love it.  I crave it in the mornings and miss it when I don't write.  What I don't miss is the feeling that nobody wants to read what I write when publishers deny my submissions.  Well, I need to write because I love to write, not because I think I'm going to get anything out of it.  Next week I'm going to revisit the book that Mitch and I wrote years ago and start editing.  Even if that book becomes an ebook that I just present at conferences, I'll be happy that I'm getting the word out.

Did I like being an expert on TV?  Actually, yes.  It was fun.  Maybe I'll persue that again.  I did it for free and had fun changing topics each month.  Why not. 

All of the above links to my love for education and helping children.  If I can work on linking all the above together over the next few months, I can potentially start something significant in my life and in the lives of so many children, parents, and teachers.  We'll see where life brings me.

I think that by staying busy with the above will help me release the cancer-patient identy that I've created.  My cancer, like the author I met last night, will soon be a distant memory.  She mentioned that when she was recently interviewed on a TV show, she forgot to mention she was a cancer survivor.  Moreover, when she went back into her memories of the cancer, she couldn't even remember when it started.  I long to have cancer as a distant memory.  I can't wait until my hair is 2-inches long so I can get extensions, until my chemo is over so I can get into Bikrams yoga and then start at the gym.  When I am sitting reading a book, not because I need to rest from the chemo or from a surgery, but because I just want to read. 

As Hays' meditation titled "I Let Go of the Need for This Condition in my Life" closes:  "But when I am ready to let it go, it is amazing how the smallest thing can help me release it."

(Hay, Louise. Inner Wisdom:  Meditations for the heart and Soul. Hay House Incoorporated, Carlsbad, CA. 2000.)

Day 18: Perfection

Today's meditation passage was an emphasis on perfection just as we are.  "I am perfect just as I am right now.  I am sufficient."  For me, I take this as I am imperfectly perfect.  As Hay writes: "I do not have to prove anyone or anything who I am."  This is significant for me.

Part of the stress that brought on my cancer was the desire to be perfect.  I believe so many of us struggle with that unachieveable dream.  In that struggle, we put more pressure on ourselves than we can handle.  Lose weight -- again.  Make more money.  Have more friends.  Drive a certain type of car.  And once we have children, it's child, be a perfect reflection of me as your parent.

Perfection is a score on a spellig test or a sunset or a rose.  It's not a person.  The moment Eve took a bite of the apple, we became imperfect, which is part of how unique and wonderful we are.

Today I embrace my imperfections as a glorious reflection of Me.  The chip in my tooth.  The powder-blue minivan I drive.  The tight budget on which I choose to live.  As I meet new people today, I will meet them with confidence and authenticity.  There's no need to prove myself to anyone but God.  He loves me as I am, and at the same time is constantly unleashing power in me to be more.  I follow His lead.     

Day 17: Getting Work Done

Today I had energy and spent it getting some work done, tasks I'd been procrastinating.  I know that in order to reap benefits, I need to do the work.  Work is sometimes joyous and often just crap that needs to get done.  Today was half and half, but if felt good to check everything off my list.  Thank you for the morning motivation that reminded me how powerful we humans are.

Day 16: Back After the Chemo Fog

Fortunately I know my chemo regimine of taxotere and gemzar works on me because it sure does knock me out.  I spent most of Thursday in bed, then made it down to the couch by 5pm.  On Friday and Saturday I had more energy, but not enough to wake up before the rest of the family to write.  This morning I woke up on my own at 6:19 and knew it was time to greet the day in a typical Shannon way.  And Maya even got in her walk.

Part of my energy today is coming off a high last night.  Tyler and I and quite a few friends attended a fundraiser for a wellness center that a previous counselor of mine has envisioned for years.  This woman, Patti, has been helping cancer patients and survivors heal through group counseling for years, focusing on breathing, meditation, mindful eating, music, art, journaling, yoga, and so much more.  Her vision is to create a center that encompasses all of this for free so that people struggling with cancer and their families can have a place to heal holistically.  Insurance covers the drugs that pad the pockets of the executives of pharmecutical companies, but it doesn't offer anything to heal the whole patient.  Patti wants to heal the whole patient.

The event was a dinner and silent auction in Grantie Bay attended by approximately 200 people. Money for the center was being raised through the auction items.  I was distressed when I walked around to the tables to peruse the items and found that some of the items had no bidders, or the increments that people increased the bids were very little.  Yes, I know these are tough economic times and we may even be in the midst of a double-dip recession, but if a person was in attendance at this event, they're not doing too badly. 

After Patti gave her introduction, everyone was thanked, and evening's MC gave one last plug for auction items, I felt more needed to be said.  Hence, not a shy girl, I asked the MC if I could say something.  Of course tears came to my eyes first, and I assured everyone I had only one glass of wine.  After their chuckles, I reached out to them to give more, to raise their bids.  "Winning one of these items may be a little financial stretch on you, but when you're diagnosed with cancer, you're often out of a job.  And when you're rediagnosed, you're out of a job again."  This may be a little stretch for you, but imagine what will come out of it when Patti gets here center."  Of course more babbling came with this, but that was the gist of what I said. 

Apparently, the bids surged after that, and I even won a 1-year gym membership to Gold's Gym to help me get back in shape one all this chemo is over. 

I now know that part of my cancer is to help Patti.  My role is to help bring her vision to life and to play whatever part she needs from me.  Cancer is a gift in many ways.  In this case, it will be the gift of helping someone achieve their dream.  Thank you, God.

Day 12: Cleaning Out the Fridge

After finishing Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life, I found another one of her books in my library, one that was given to me when I was rediagnosed. How perfect, and unplanned.  I had been wondering what I was going to do once I finished Heal.  God provided.

Inner Wisdom: Meditations for the Heart and Soul is comprised of one-page mediations, whereas Heal was made up of chapters on various meaningful topics.  These one-page reads are much better for me now that my mom is back home.  While my mom was visiting to take care of me and the household during my surgery, she walked our American Bulldog every morning, allowing me the time to read a chapter, write my affirmations, and meditate.  Now that my mom is back home in Oregon, Maya's morning walk is my responsibility again.  It's been hard these last few days getting it all in before the boys wake up.  One page for now is perfect.

Being the over-achiever that I am, I read two meditations today.  The first is titled "My Home is a Peaceful Haven."  It reads: 

"My home is a reflection of me, so I now decide to 'clean house.'  I clean my closets and refrigerator.  I take all the clothes that I haven't worn in a period of time and sell them, give them away, or burn them.  I get rid of the old so that I can make room for the new.  As I let it go, I say: I'm cleaning the closets of my mind.  I do the same with my refrigerator.  I clean out all the foods and scraps that have been there for a while.  I know that people who have very cluttered closets and cluttered refrigerators have cluttered minds.  So, I make my home a wonderful place to live in."

Okay Ms Hay.  Done.  Once Maya and I returned from our walk, I literally took out everything from my refrigerator, including the shelves, and cleaned it from top to bottom.  Gross things found:  sticky scum on one shelf that I'd noticed in the past (when I struggled lifting up the salsa jar) but had chosen to ignore, 3-week old guacomole, a stray green bean from months ago I'm guessing, spilled baking soda, and a lid of a butter container.  How did the container make it out of the refrigerator but not the lid? 

In general, our house is pretty clean.  I tend to purge cupboard and closet contents on a yearly basis, at least.  However, I had been ignoring the fridge.  Now with a clean fridge, God wanted to support my efforts for a clean house so much so that at 1:00 Tyler called from downstairs, "Shannon, were you expected the cleaning people today?"  We had an appointment scheduled for earlier in the week that I had to cancel.  When I cancelled, I left a message that Wednesday or Thursday would be better days, but had never heard back from the company.  Ironically, on the day I meditated on the importance of a clean home and did something about it, two beautiful cleaning angels came to support my efforts.  Thank you, God!

The second meditation page of my reading this morning is titled "My Income is Constantly Increasing."  This supports my affirmation, Riches of all sorts are attracted to me.  Today after reading that affirmation about attracting money and prosperity, I finally sent off a children's book I wrote over a year ago to 25 publishers.  When I wrote the book during my first out-of-work-because-of-chemo stint, I sent it off to about 30 publishers.  Thirty was the magic number then because when I asked my mom to buy envelopes, she only came back with 30.  None of those 30 publishers jumped on my incredibly uplifting book.  

Months later I bought more envelopes, envelopes that I propped on my desk then moved to the floor under my desk for months.  At least the publishers' labels were sitting on top of the pile.  Obviously the publishers would never discover my book and offer me a publishing contract if they never received it!

So today, at the urging of Ms Hay in her meditation, I printed, packaged, and mailed off copies to the final 25 publishers.  What impressed me most about my decision is that as I was driving to the post office, it suddenly started to not only rain but pour.  I was dressed in a cotton shirt and pants, no umbrella, and no hair to keep me warm.  You're not going to melt, Shannon, I prodded myself.  My temptation to go home and mail them another day was replaced by my drive to attract prosperity.  "Complaining never works" the meditation told me.  Nor does excuse-making.  Now the envelopes are in the mail and I wait. 

Tomorrow morning I'll add a third affirmation to my list.  Maybe it will go something like this:  I have a profitable publishing contract and a new career as an author.  I'll have to sleep on that one. Good night.  

Day 11: I Went for the Chemo

My whining yesterday was just that -- whining.  My husband and I did have a bit of a conversation about it in the afternoon when he empathetically could tell I was being a bitch.  "I'm only doing these last two rounds so that if the cancer comes back, you and my mom can't blame me for it and you'll think I did everything I could."  He didn't deny it, and reinforced that he does want me to stay alive.  That was refreshing.  So, I made my way into Kaiser this morning with a smile and found an unexpected surprise.  I Love Lucy was playing on the TV mounted in the corner, though no one had bothered to turn on the volume until I arrived.  "Do you mind if I turn it up?" I asked anyone who would answer me, all of whom could have been my grandparents and all of whom certainly enjoyed I Love Lucy when it wasn't reruns.  One gentleman answered and he laughed along with my husband as me until our names were called by our nurse of the day.

Penny, a sweet lady from the South who hadn't been in nursing too long, was my nurse of the day.  Lucky me.  She still forecasted my needs and followed through on them, just like a senior college quarterback aiming for the Heisman would forecast what the defense was about to do.  "Does your vein hurt?  Let me bring you these little hot pads we have."  Funny.  I'd never offered one of those before.  "Honey, would you like some juice?  Apple?" 

"Yes, please."

"And let me get you some more of those hot pads."  She placed them up my arm from my wrist to my elbow in case my vein was spasming.  Thank you, Penny.

I continued my tradition of bring in two lottery tickets into my appointment, one for my chemo nurse to have and one for me.  We always make the agreement that if one wins, the other gets $1million.  With three more rounds left, my chances are dwindling.  Yet when I win, it will certainly fulfill my second affirmation.  "Riches of all kinds are attracted to me." 

The riches I received today were the riches of friendship.  I received a lunch invitation for Friday, a Bible Study invitation from an awesome new friend for next Tuesday, and a food delivery from a third, tried-and-true friend to get us through the week while I'm too nauseous to want to cook.  And I followed up with the friend I typed about in an earlier post and we're scheduled to walk this week.  Through all I've been through over the last three years, it's been reiterated to me over and over again that the greatest wealth is that of friendships. 

No one would argue, the riches of money is nice.  That's happening for me too.  I received my pay stub in the mail for September.  I was suspecting to receive just under $700 after my substitute was paid from my salary, minus taxes, union dues, etc.  However, my check was a little over $2,000.  WOO HOO!  Thank goodness for bad math on my part.  We were able to pay all our bills this month which was a great feeling.  Now I need to attract the money to redo our backyard, probably about $15,000 to do it right, and an extra $5,000 for Tyler to redo the garage.  Okay God, will you please bring enough money into my life so that $20,000 seems like a drop in the bucket.  Thank you!  

Day 10: After the Weekend Off

It's Monday morning, the day before I'm supposed to start another round of chemo.  Even though I've already had two and the last tumor that was removed was dead, my oncologist wants me to have two more rounds of chemo as insurance.  I don't want to more rounds of chemo.  I don't want to put all that poison in my body as "insurance".  As I read today, there are other ways to fight cancer besides deadly chemicals:  changing thought patterns, eating right, believing in its death.  Louise Haye fought cancer without surgerys and chemo.  Earlier in my fight, I read about how Suzanne Somers did the same.  Somehow, books by people who tout the benefits and joys of chemo haven't crossed my path.  Do they exist?  So do I make the decision to tell my oncologist "no more"?

My fear isn't for me, it's for my family.  If the cancer does come back, I believe they'll blame me for not having these two more rounds.  Yet the first set of chemo two years ago was supposed to be insurance too.  The tumor was removed and chemo was my choice.  It gave me a 25% chance the cancer would come back vs 50% and it still came back.  So what good was all those days, lying in the hospital with God knows how many IV's plugged into me with poison coursing through my veins?  None.  What good will these next two rounds be?  I'm just starting to feel healthy again.  I don't want to go back to that feeling of near-death.  Ugg!  What am I to do?

Day 7: Louise Hay on Cancer

According to p. 138 in You Can Heal Your Life, I brought my cancer on myself. 

"CANCER is a dis-ease caused by deep resentment held for a long time until it literally eats away at the body.  Something happens in childhood that destroys the sense of trust.  This experience is never forgotten, and the individual lives with a sense of self-pity, finding it hard to develop and maintain long-term, meaningful relatioinships.  Because of that belief system, life seems to be a series of disappointments.  A feeling of hopelessness and helplessness and loss permeates the thinking, and it becomes easy to blame others for all our problems.  People with cancer are also very self-critical.  To me, learning to love and accept the self is the key to healing cancers."

I had been told this by a naturopath, that I brought on my own cancer. If she would have told me this the first time I had cancer, I would have been livid.  Cancer brings with it so much pain, so much anguish.  So  much hardship.  How could anyone say I brought this on myself?  However, the fact that it came back with a vengence a second time just months after my days of hell in the hospital having poison pumped through my veins in order to kill it, not only allowed me to be open to the possibility, but deep down I believed it.

Louise Hay's mention of trust being destroyed at a young age fits with the struggles my parents went through.  The alcoholism, divorce, and subsequent life-destroying alcoholism and loss of everything my father loved, or should have loved (except the alcohol) taught me to trust only myself and no one else, knowing God would look after me.  The collapse of my first marriage came as I blamed him for everything that was wrong, thinking I had done everything I could to "fix" him.  "If only he would change," I told myself and everyone who would listen.  Then the struggles in my current marriage.  Again, it was all his fault.  I was the helpless one doing everything I could, but not being able to change him.  And of course there is Hays's inclusion of being self-critical.  I was the start child of the family.  I could do anything, be anything, and make everyone proud of me.  What do you mean my multiple bad business decisions in a row compounded by a collapse of the mortgage industry  has put my family $160K in debt and at risk of losing our home?  The guilt!

My naturopath even narrowed it down more.  My cancer originally developed in my left hip.  Our hips, she explained it, are how we present ourselves to the world.  Our right side is our masculinde side.  Our left side is our feminine side.  My tumor protruded from the left.  As I was being disappointed by my husband (just another man to let me down, I convinced myself), I was taking on his role in the family as well as mine, feeling I it necessary.  As the naturopath explained, my feminine side was crying out.  She wasn't being nurtured, nor paid attention to at all.  I was destroying her as I built up resentment for my husband and tried to fill the shoes I felt he was not as the "man" of the house.  Because of this and because I was incapable of realizing my mistakes and misunderstandings myself, the cancerous tumor grew out of my left hip. Now I had to pay attention.

The fact that the tumors came back in my lungs may not have any meaning other than the lungs are where sarcomas come back, if they come back.  Mine did.  Cancer came back to me, I believe, because I had/have more lessons to learn.  The first lesson saved my marriage.  This second lesson, or set of them, I'm still developing.  I think it has something to do with me realizing to slow down, relax, and enjoy life.  It's not normal nor healthy to take on three jobs and plan to accomplish every lofty goal anyone has ever had in one lifetime. Again, the lesson is still brewing in my soul, so I'll revisit it later.  Certainly in this blog.

The idea that someone brought a horrid, life-destroying disease on oneself is unsettling to say the least.  But in the big picture, cancer can be seen as a gift.  More on that later. 

Day 6: Healthly Means More Than Physical

Even though I read the prosperity chapter today, what stands out most in my mind are the thoughts that came to me while writing my health affirmation:  I am healthier than I've ever been. 

As I was writing, a friend popped in my mind.  This is someone I've known for close to four years, one of the first people I met when we moved to our current house who made me feel comfortable.  Our conversations have always flowed.  She has a big heart and a bright smile.  She also possesses many qualities I admire:  smart, driven, family-oriented while still rising up the ranks in her profession, health-conscious, socialable, cheerful, etc.  But she's also a Scorpio, like me.

I must have done something to piss her off (pardon the foul language), because she acts different around me now.  It's subtle, but being a Scorpio, I know it's real.  I've missed her and know it's time to break the ice.  Not only do I have reach out and initiate the two of us getting together, but while we're together, I have to ask her what I did to offend her.  And of course once she says "nothing," I have to pry to get out the truth.  Then I have to be ready to accept what she says, knowing her feelings are real to her.  A heart-felt apology will come (I already feel sorry for whatever I did, not knowing what I did).  Then, as our friendship starts to grow again, I have to be sure that both she and I are comfortable enough to raise the flag when one of us is hurting the other's feelings.

Boys are up.  Gotta go.  :)

Day 5: But I Love My Job

After uncomfortable feelings throughout the day, I came to the conclusion that I love my job.  I don't want to give it up just for the idea that I can be rolling in dough.  Having struggled with cancer over the last three years, I have certainly come to the conclusion that there are much more important things in life than money.

However, an abundance is still welcomed.  I have so much money I don't know what to do with it, and I'm still a teacher. :)

What Day am I On? 4?

Health and wealth.  That's my motto.

We all know that I'm healthier than I've ever been.  Saturday, the day I was particularly conscious of what I was putting into my body (and nine days after Dr. Moore told me all the cancer cells in my tumor were dead), something significant happened.  I was putting on my sweatshirt, and felt my healing bracelet being pushed up my arm.  This is the healing bracelet that Vance and his parents gave me after I announced to my class that the cancer was back and I'd be out again.  The bracelet was taken off once since February during one short stint at the hospital.  But with this last surgery, I wouldn't let them take it off.  "You don't need my wrist while you operate on my lung."  They agreed.  Well, as the bracelet was being forced up my arm from the sweatshirt, it broke and beads scattered all over the floor.  My friend, Kathy, was over and her reaction was expected.  "Oh no!" 

"No, this is a good thing.  I'm healed.  I don't need it any more," I assured her.  Wow.  That was some sign.  Thank you! 

Then yesterday, in a organization/cleany frenzy, I approached "the crate".  Each time I was admitted to the hospital, I rolled in with my teacher crate, filled with cards, posters, and gifts that had been given to me throughout my journey by friends but mostly students.  The routine has been that the crate stays in the car until we know my recovery room number, then my mom or Tyler wheels it in with a roll of masking tape and starts decorating.  Two walls were always completely covered, and depending on the size of the room, sometimes three.

Between hospital stays, the crate has either sat in the garage or in a corner in our office.  Confidently knowing I am cured, I kneeled by it yesterday, taking out one card at a time.  I opened each card to see who gifted me with it, kissed it, and then proclaimed, "Thank you....," then placed it in the recycle bin.  With love and appreciation, I cleaned out the crate and it's gone. 

Break for a sip of green tea. :)  Ahh....

Along my financial affirmations, today I read a chapter about careers in Healing Your Life.  I love my job, my co-workers, everything about it.  However, being a public school teacher will not fulfill my aspiration to have so much money I don't know what to do with it.  Two interventions happened to help me consider this.

First, on Saturday some "junk mail" caught my eye.  It was sent from State Farm Insurance, and I thought it was a flyer to get me to transfer our insurance to them.  Then I looked a little more clearly.  It's a flyer publicizing they need more agents -- will train, etc.  As I wrote my affirmation this morning, after reading about lovingly letter ones job go for another to enjoy it, I thought about leavinig my position.  "I quit my teaching job to become a State Farm insurance agent."  No heat ran throughout my body.  Instead, I noticed a cool breeze across my ankles.  Also, I thought of all the insurance agents I know, all of whom do very well:  a mom who put both of her sons through private school while her husband stayed at home, the former owner of our house, Deana's dad who put three kids through private school while her mom stayed at home... So, today I'm going to give them a call.

Secondly, when I opened my email this morning before starting to blog, I noticed a message from Career Builder.  I opened it up to find that a Dean position fits my match (I have an account with Career Builder, just in case).  I'd seen this before, but always ignored it.  Today, I didn't ignore it.  I clicked on the link and started the application process, even though I was sure I'd have to revisit it after I got the kids off to school.  Surely it would take a long time.  To my surprise, the process took five minutes, maybe. 

Often in life, I've found that which is easy to apply for usually comes to fruition for me:  school admittance, jobs, grants.  Those that take a great deal of time and energy haven't panned out for me in the past.  So, I welcome the call from ITT for an interview for the position of Dean.  Thank you!

It really is quite amazing how the Universe, which I'll call GOD, gives us what we want when we open ourselves up to it.  And this is only day 4! :)

Day Three: Feeling Better and a Lexus

Yesterday was a pretty rough day.  Not only was I out of sorts from the three glasses of wine the previous night, but there was a stabbing feeling in my chest in the area of my lung, I assume, that's healing.  Thinking of my affirmation, "I am healthier than I've ever been," I was very conscious yesterday to rest and to only put healthy foods into my body.  When a neighbor came over with a bottle of wine, I had one glass, then stuck to my new motto:  One, then done.Today I feel so much better.  There's still a pain down my back when I wake up in the mornings (a post-surgery condition).  Maybe I need to look into buying a slant board.

Affirmation 2:  No money is flowing in yet, but something did spark while I was writing my affirmations.  I need to visualize what my affirmation would look like.  To me, having so much money I don't know what to do with it includes driving a Lexus SUV.  A white one.  So that will be my visualization when I go to bed at night.  Fun. 

Going to have another good day. :)

Day 2: Overly Excited & in Pain

Yesterday's realization of the power of Louise Hays' teachings pushed me a little too much in my current situation.  It energized me and gave me an over abundance of energy.  My mom even asked, "Where did you get all your energy?"  But my lung surgery was only 10 days ago.  That didn't stop me.  I went about my day as though I was fully recovered. 
Moreover, we attended a neighbor's birthday party last night, and I've always been a party girl.  So much for being healthier than I've ever been.  With little food, I had three glasses of wine.  Now I'm body feels nauseous and I have a pain in my chest.  The thought of picking up a pen to write my affirmations was too exhausting.
I guess I self-sabotaged myself yesterday.  I know I did.  If I'm going to do this work and do it right, I have to love myself, carry those affirmations with me throughout the day, and enjoy the satisfaction that comes with it.  The joys or the rewards are going to be so much more rewarding that one more glass of wine at a friend's house.  Now I just have to hope that this pain in my chest goes away.

Day One

Today is September 23, 2011.  I am a teacher who is now a student, a student of Louise Hay.  I'm not enrolled in a class of hers.  In fact, I've only seen her "in person" once, on the Oprah show.  (Love Oprah!)  I still remember her vividly, though the show aired years ago -- petite, beautfiul gray hair, a calm demeanor, and a 100% assurance that we have control over our own lives with our thoughts which lead to actions and gifts from the Universe.  I think I remember she had a rough beginning even into adulthood, and it wasn't until she started working with AIDS patients that she found her true calling.
Again, that was years ago. 
Upon my second diagnosis of cancer, my step-sister in Washington sent me one of Louise Hays' books, You Can Heal Your Life.  That was months ago.  Just recently, I picked it up and started adding it to my morning routine:  wake up, read a passage from a Christian meditation book, maybe write a few lines from that if I felt compelled, drink some water with fresh lemon, and walk the dog.  Reading a chapter from Louise's book was added after the meditation book.  Chapter 9 (I believe) pushed me toward writing down my affirmations, which led me to this blog today.
Being in year three in my fight against cancer, health is the first of my two affirmations.  Upon Louise's suggestion, I wrote "I'm healthier than I've ever been" twenty times.  As I wrote, thoughts -- more like words -- popped into my head.  Water (I know haven't been drinking enough lately).  Vitamins (I had to stop taking them two weeks before my surgery that was last week and I haven't restarted yet.)  Walk. (Again, surgery) Tea (I am drawn to coffee, but know tea is so much better.)  As I wrote my affirmation, my mind and body knew what I needed and it sent the messages loudly and clearly to me.  Okay, I thought, I can do this.  Thank you for keeping me focussed.
Then I switched to my second affirmation.
In total, my diagnosis has kept me out of the classroom for nine months so far, but will be closer to fifteen by the time I return.  That means for fifteen months I've received a very small portion of my salary, whatever was left after my school distrcit paid my sub, usually about 1/4 of what I'm used to getting.  Needless to say, money has been an issue for my family of four and a worry.  As Louise emphasizes, as does my Christian medication book, worry is a waste.  It sabbatoges my brain, taking as much as it can so there's little left for the positive thoughts.  So affirming wealth, I know, is a crucial part of my recovery and part of me reaching my potential.
"I have so much money I don't know what to do with it, and it's fun."  This I wrote ten times, not twenty like the other.  Great line.  But by the time I was on my second or third draft of the affirmation, I started having physical reactions.  First, I felt my body suddenly get warm, as if I was suddenly being struck by a fever.  My mind did send me a message during in the midst of the heat:  write.  Okay, I accepted that.  The heat continued and I started sweating.  Another message:  rather than write in your journal, start a blog.  As I was writing I argued with myself.  I want to start writing today and it would take too long to figure out how to start a blog.  I kept writing the affirmation:  "I have so much money I don't know what to do with it, and it's fun."  Another thought.  Include Louise Hay's name in the title.  Beads of sweat actually started dripping off my bald head.  I large wall popped up in my head.  You can't do that! 
Okay, I know what's going on, I thought.  I've read about this in her book.  I'm blocking myself from accepting this abundance.  The Universe, my mind, God is telling me what to do and I'm denying it.  While I'm writng about abundance and receiving messages for it, I'm self-sabatoging myself minutes into this journey. 
I know affirmations and especially imagery work.  It's worked for me in the past.  I need for it to work now.  Hence, today begins my Louise Hay experiment.  And ironcially, it didn't take me long to find a free blog site and figure out how it works.  Maybe a total of three minutes. 
For the next year, I'm going to become her student.  I will practice her teachings, follow her lead, and let my life unfold as abundantly as the Universe allows.  I can't wait to see how my new dream board unfolds.  Thank you in advance, Louise Hay, for your guidance and wisdom and faith.
-Shannon