According to p. 138 in You Can Heal Your Life, I brought my cancer on myself.
"CANCER is a dis-ease caused by deep resentment held for a long time until it literally eats away at the body. Something happens in childhood that destroys the sense of trust. This experience is never forgotten, and the individual lives with a sense of self-pity, finding it hard to develop and maintain long-term, meaningful relatioinships. Because of that belief system, life seems to be a series of disappointments. A feeling of hopelessness and helplessness and loss permeates the thinking, and it becomes easy to blame others for all our problems. People with cancer are also very self-critical. To me, learning to love and accept the self is the key to healing cancers."
I had been told this by a naturopath, that I brought on my own cancer. If she would have told me this the first time I had cancer, I would have been livid. Cancer brings with it so much pain, so much anguish. So much hardship. How could anyone say I brought this on myself? However, the fact that it came back with a vengence a second time just months after my days of hell in the hospital having poison pumped through my veins in order to kill it, not only allowed me to be open to the possibility, but deep down I believed it.
Louise Hay's mention of trust being destroyed at a young age fits with the struggles my parents went through. The alcoholism, divorce, and subsequent life-destroying alcoholism and loss of everything my father loved, or should have loved (except the alcohol) taught me to trust only myself and no one else, knowing God would look after me. The collapse of my first marriage came as I blamed him for everything that was wrong, thinking I had done everything I could to "fix" him. "If only he would change," I told myself and everyone who would listen. Then the struggles in my current marriage. Again, it was all his fault. I was the helpless one doing everything I could, but not being able to change him. And of course there is Hays's inclusion of being self-critical. I was the start child of the family. I could do anything, be anything, and make everyone proud of me. What do you mean my multiple bad business decisions in a row compounded by a collapse of the mortgage industry has put my family $160K in debt and at risk of losing our home? The guilt!
My naturopath even narrowed it down more. My cancer originally developed in my left hip. Our hips, she explained it, are how we present ourselves to the world. Our right side is our masculinde side. Our left side is our feminine side. My tumor protruded from the left. As I was being disappointed by my husband (just another man to let me down, I convinced myself), I was taking on his role in the family as well as mine, feeling I it necessary. As the naturopath explained, my feminine side was crying out. She wasn't being nurtured, nor paid attention to at all. I was destroying her as I built up resentment for my husband and tried to fill the shoes I felt he was not as the "man" of the house. Because of this and because I was incapable of realizing my mistakes and misunderstandings myself, the cancerous tumor grew out of my left hip. Now I had to pay attention.
The fact that the tumors came back in my lungs may not have any meaning other than the lungs are where sarcomas come back, if they come back. Mine did. Cancer came back to me, I believe, because I had/have more lessons to learn. The first lesson saved my marriage. This second lesson, or set of them, I'm still developing. I think it has something to do with me realizing to slow down, relax, and enjoy life. It's not normal nor healthy to take on three jobs and plan to accomplish every lofty goal anyone has ever had in one lifetime. Again, the lesson is still brewing in my soul, so I'll revisit it later. Certainly in this blog.
The idea that someone brought a horrid, life-destroying disease on oneself is unsettling to say the least. But in the big picture, cancer can be seen as a gift. More on that later.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Day 6: Healthly Means More Than Physical
Even though I read the prosperity chapter today, what stands out most in my mind are the thoughts that came to me while writing my health affirmation: I am healthier than I've ever been.
As I was writing, a friend popped in my mind. This is someone I've known for close to four years, one of the first people I met when we moved to our current house who made me feel comfortable. Our conversations have always flowed. She has a big heart and a bright smile. She also possesses many qualities I admire: smart, driven, family-oriented while still rising up the ranks in her profession, health-conscious, socialable, cheerful, etc. But she's also a Scorpio, like me.
I must have done something to piss her off (pardon the foul language), because she acts different around me now. It's subtle, but being a Scorpio, I know it's real. I've missed her and know it's time to break the ice. Not only do I have reach out and initiate the two of us getting together, but while we're together, I have to ask her what I did to offend her. And of course once she says "nothing," I have to pry to get out the truth. Then I have to be ready to accept what she says, knowing her feelings are real to her. A heart-felt apology will come (I already feel sorry for whatever I did, not knowing what I did). Then, as our friendship starts to grow again, I have to be sure that both she and I are comfortable enough to raise the flag when one of us is hurting the other's feelings.
Boys are up. Gotta go. :)
As I was writing, a friend popped in my mind. This is someone I've known for close to four years, one of the first people I met when we moved to our current house who made me feel comfortable. Our conversations have always flowed. She has a big heart and a bright smile. She also possesses many qualities I admire: smart, driven, family-oriented while still rising up the ranks in her profession, health-conscious, socialable, cheerful, etc. But she's also a Scorpio, like me.
I must have done something to piss her off (pardon the foul language), because she acts different around me now. It's subtle, but being a Scorpio, I know it's real. I've missed her and know it's time to break the ice. Not only do I have reach out and initiate the two of us getting together, but while we're together, I have to ask her what I did to offend her. And of course once she says "nothing," I have to pry to get out the truth. Then I have to be ready to accept what she says, knowing her feelings are real to her. A heart-felt apology will come (I already feel sorry for whatever I did, not knowing what I did). Then, as our friendship starts to grow again, I have to be sure that both she and I are comfortable enough to raise the flag when one of us is hurting the other's feelings.
Boys are up. Gotta go. :)
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Day 5: But I Love My Job
After uncomfortable feelings throughout the day, I came to the conclusion that I love my job. I don't want to give it up just for the idea that I can be rolling in dough. Having struggled with cancer over the last three years, I have certainly come to the conclusion that there are much more important things in life than money.
However, an abundance is still welcomed. I have so much money I don't know what to do with it, and I'm still a teacher. :)
However, an abundance is still welcomed. I have so much money I don't know what to do with it, and I'm still a teacher. :)
Monday, September 26, 2011
What Day am I On? 4?
Health and wealth. That's my motto.
We all know that I'm healthier than I've ever been. Saturday, the day I was particularly conscious of what I was putting into my body (and nine days after Dr. Moore told me all the cancer cells in my tumor were dead), something significant happened. I was putting on my sweatshirt, and felt my healing bracelet being pushed up my arm. This is the healing bracelet that Vance and his parents gave me after I announced to my class that the cancer was back and I'd be out again. The bracelet was taken off once since February during one short stint at the hospital. But with this last surgery, I wouldn't let them take it off. "You don't need my wrist while you operate on my lung." They agreed. Well, as the bracelet was being forced up my arm from the sweatshirt, it broke and beads scattered all over the floor. My friend, Kathy, was over and her reaction was expected. "Oh no!"
"No, this is a good thing. I'm healed. I don't need it any more," I assured her. Wow. That was some sign. Thank you!
Then yesterday, in a organization/cleany frenzy, I approached "the crate". Each time I was admitted to the hospital, I rolled in with my teacher crate, filled with cards, posters, and gifts that had been given to me throughout my journey by friends but mostly students. The routine has been that the crate stays in the car until we know my recovery room number, then my mom or Tyler wheels it in with a roll of masking tape and starts decorating. Two walls were always completely covered, and depending on the size of the room, sometimes three.
Between hospital stays, the crate has either sat in the garage or in a corner in our office. Confidently knowing I am cured, I kneeled by it yesterday, taking out one card at a time. I opened each card to see who gifted me with it, kissed it, and then proclaimed, "Thank you....," then placed it in the recycle bin. With love and appreciation, I cleaned out the crate and it's gone.
Break for a sip of green tea. :) Ahh....
Along my financial affirmations, today I read a chapter about careers in Healing Your Life. I love my job, my co-workers, everything about it. However, being a public school teacher will not fulfill my aspiration to have so much money I don't know what to do with it. Two interventions happened to help me consider this.
First, on Saturday some "junk mail" caught my eye. It was sent from State Farm Insurance, and I thought it was a flyer to get me to transfer our insurance to them. Then I looked a little more clearly. It's a flyer publicizing they need more agents -- will train, etc. As I wrote my affirmation this morning, after reading about lovingly letter ones job go for another to enjoy it, I thought about leavinig my position. "I quit my teaching job to become a State Farm insurance agent." No heat ran throughout my body. Instead, I noticed a cool breeze across my ankles. Also, I thought of all the insurance agents I know, all of whom do very well: a mom who put both of her sons through private school while her husband stayed at home, the former owner of our house, Deana's dad who put three kids through private school while her mom stayed at home... So, today I'm going to give them a call.
Secondly, when I opened my email this morning before starting to blog, I noticed a message from Career Builder. I opened it up to find that a Dean position fits my match (I have an account with Career Builder, just in case). I'd seen this before, but always ignored it. Today, I didn't ignore it. I clicked on the link and started the application process, even though I was sure I'd have to revisit it after I got the kids off to school. Surely it would take a long time. To my surprise, the process took five minutes, maybe.
Often in life, I've found that which is easy to apply for usually comes to fruition for me: school admittance, jobs, grants. Those that take a great deal of time and energy haven't panned out for me in the past. So, I welcome the call from ITT for an interview for the position of Dean. Thank you!
It really is quite amazing how the Universe, which I'll call GOD, gives us what we want when we open ourselves up to it. And this is only day 4! :)
We all know that I'm healthier than I've ever been. Saturday, the day I was particularly conscious of what I was putting into my body (and nine days after Dr. Moore told me all the cancer cells in my tumor were dead), something significant happened. I was putting on my sweatshirt, and felt my healing bracelet being pushed up my arm. This is the healing bracelet that Vance and his parents gave me after I announced to my class that the cancer was back and I'd be out again. The bracelet was taken off once since February during one short stint at the hospital. But with this last surgery, I wouldn't let them take it off. "You don't need my wrist while you operate on my lung." They agreed. Well, as the bracelet was being forced up my arm from the sweatshirt, it broke and beads scattered all over the floor. My friend, Kathy, was over and her reaction was expected. "Oh no!"
"No, this is a good thing. I'm healed. I don't need it any more," I assured her. Wow. That was some sign. Thank you!
Then yesterday, in a organization/cleany frenzy, I approached "the crate". Each time I was admitted to the hospital, I rolled in with my teacher crate, filled with cards, posters, and gifts that had been given to me throughout my journey by friends but mostly students. The routine has been that the crate stays in the car until we know my recovery room number, then my mom or Tyler wheels it in with a roll of masking tape and starts decorating. Two walls were always completely covered, and depending on the size of the room, sometimes three.
Between hospital stays, the crate has either sat in the garage or in a corner in our office. Confidently knowing I am cured, I kneeled by it yesterday, taking out one card at a time. I opened each card to see who gifted me with it, kissed it, and then proclaimed, "Thank you....," then placed it in the recycle bin. With love and appreciation, I cleaned out the crate and it's gone.
Break for a sip of green tea. :) Ahh....
Along my financial affirmations, today I read a chapter about careers in Healing Your Life. I love my job, my co-workers, everything about it. However, being a public school teacher will not fulfill my aspiration to have so much money I don't know what to do with it. Two interventions happened to help me consider this.
First, on Saturday some "junk mail" caught my eye. It was sent from State Farm Insurance, and I thought it was a flyer to get me to transfer our insurance to them. Then I looked a little more clearly. It's a flyer publicizing they need more agents -- will train, etc. As I wrote my affirmation this morning, after reading about lovingly letter ones job go for another to enjoy it, I thought about leavinig my position. "I quit my teaching job to become a State Farm insurance agent." No heat ran throughout my body. Instead, I noticed a cool breeze across my ankles. Also, I thought of all the insurance agents I know, all of whom do very well: a mom who put both of her sons through private school while her husband stayed at home, the former owner of our house, Deana's dad who put three kids through private school while her mom stayed at home... So, today I'm going to give them a call.
Secondly, when I opened my email this morning before starting to blog, I noticed a message from Career Builder. I opened it up to find that a Dean position fits my match (I have an account with Career Builder, just in case). I'd seen this before, but always ignored it. Today, I didn't ignore it. I clicked on the link and started the application process, even though I was sure I'd have to revisit it after I got the kids off to school. Surely it would take a long time. To my surprise, the process took five minutes, maybe.
Often in life, I've found that which is easy to apply for usually comes to fruition for me: school admittance, jobs, grants. Those that take a great deal of time and energy haven't panned out for me in the past. So, I welcome the call from ITT for an interview for the position of Dean. Thank you!
It really is quite amazing how the Universe, which I'll call GOD, gives us what we want when we open ourselves up to it. And this is only day 4! :)
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Day Three: Feeling Better and a Lexus
Yesterday was a pretty rough day. Not only was I out of sorts from the three glasses of wine the previous night, but there was a stabbing feeling in my chest in the area of my lung, I assume, that's healing. Thinking of my affirmation, "I am healthier than I've ever been," I was very conscious yesterday to rest and to only put healthy foods into my body. When a neighbor came over with a bottle of wine, I had one glass, then stuck to my new motto: One, then done.Today I feel so much better. There's still a pain down my back when I wake up in the mornings (a post-surgery condition). Maybe I need to look into buying a slant board.
Affirmation 2: No money is flowing in yet, but something did spark while I was writing my affirmations. I need to visualize what my affirmation would look like. To me, having so much money I don't know what to do with it includes driving a Lexus SUV. A white one. So that will be my visualization when I go to bed at night. Fun.
Going to have another good day. :)
Affirmation 2: No money is flowing in yet, but something did spark while I was writing my affirmations. I need to visualize what my affirmation would look like. To me, having so much money I don't know what to do with it includes driving a Lexus SUV. A white one. So that will be my visualization when I go to bed at night. Fun.
Going to have another good day. :)
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Day 2: Overly Excited & in Pain
Yesterday's realization of the power of Louise Hays' teachings pushed me a little too much in my current situation. It energized me and gave me an over abundance of energy. My mom even asked, "Where did you get all your energy?" But my lung surgery was only 10 days ago. That didn't stop me. I went about my day as though I was fully recovered.
Moreover, we attended a neighbor's birthday party last night, and I've always been a party girl. So much for being healthier than I've ever been. With little food, I had three glasses of wine. Now I'm body feels nauseous and I have a pain in my chest. The thought of picking up a pen to write my affirmations was too exhausting.
I guess I self-sabotaged myself yesterday. I know I did. If I'm going to do this work and do it right, I have to love myself, carry those affirmations with me throughout the day, and enjoy the satisfaction that comes with it. The joys or the rewards are going to be so much more rewarding that one more glass of wine at a friend's house. Now I just have to hope that this pain in my chest goes away.
Moreover, we attended a neighbor's birthday party last night, and I've always been a party girl. So much for being healthier than I've ever been. With little food, I had three glasses of wine. Now I'm body feels nauseous and I have a pain in my chest. The thought of picking up a pen to write my affirmations was too exhausting.
I guess I self-sabotaged myself yesterday. I know I did. If I'm going to do this work and do it right, I have to love myself, carry those affirmations with me throughout the day, and enjoy the satisfaction that comes with it. The joys or the rewards are going to be so much more rewarding that one more glass of wine at a friend's house. Now I just have to hope that this pain in my chest goes away.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Day One
Today is September 23, 2011. I am a teacher who is now a student, a student of Louise Hay. I'm not enrolled in a class of hers. In fact, I've only seen her "in person" once, on the Oprah show. (Love Oprah!) I still remember her vividly, though the show aired years ago -- petite, beautfiul gray hair, a calm demeanor, and a 100% assurance that we have control over our own lives with our thoughts which lead to actions and gifts from the Universe. I think I remember she had a rough beginning even into adulthood, and it wasn't until she started working with AIDS patients that she found her true calling.
Again, that was years ago.
Upon my second diagnosis of cancer, my step-sister in Washington sent me one of Louise Hays' books, You Can Heal Your Life. That was months ago. Just recently, I picked it up and started adding it to my morning routine: wake up, read a passage from a Christian meditation book, maybe write a few lines from that if I felt compelled, drink some water with fresh lemon, and walk the dog. Reading a chapter from Louise's book was added after the meditation book. Chapter 9 (I believe) pushed me toward writing down my affirmations, which led me to this blog today.
Being in year three in my fight against cancer, health is the first of my two affirmations. Upon Louise's suggestion, I wrote "I'm healthier than I've ever been" twenty times. As I wrote, thoughts -- more like words -- popped into my head. Water (I know haven't been drinking enough lately). Vitamins (I had to stop taking them two weeks before my surgery that was last week and I haven't restarted yet.) Walk. (Again, surgery) Tea (I am drawn to coffee, but know tea is so much better.) As I wrote my affirmation, my mind and body knew what I needed and it sent the messages loudly and clearly to me. Okay, I thought, I can do this. Thank you for keeping me focussed.
Then I switched to my second affirmation.
In total, my diagnosis has kept me out of the classroom for nine months so far, but will be closer to fifteen by the time I return. That means for fifteen months I've received a very small portion of my salary, whatever was left after my school distrcit paid my sub, usually about 1/4 of what I'm used to getting. Needless to say, money has been an issue for my family of four and a worry. As Louise emphasizes, as does my Christian medication book, worry is a waste. It sabbatoges my brain, taking as much as it can so there's little left for the positive thoughts. So affirming wealth, I know, is a crucial part of my recovery and part of me reaching my potential.
"I have so much money I don't know what to do with it, and it's fun." This I wrote ten times, not twenty like the other. Great line. But by the time I was on my second or third draft of the affirmation, I started having physical reactions. First, I felt my body suddenly get warm, as if I was suddenly being struck by a fever. My mind did send me a message during in the midst of the heat: write. Okay, I accepted that. The heat continued and I started sweating. Another message: rather than write in your journal, start a blog. As I was writing I argued with myself. I want to start writing today and it would take too long to figure out how to start a blog. I kept writing the affirmation: "I have so much money I don't know what to do with it, and it's fun." Another thought. Include Louise Hay's name in the title. Beads of sweat actually started dripping off my bald head. I large wall popped up in my head. You can't do that!
Okay, I know what's going on, I thought. I've read about this in her book. I'm blocking myself from accepting this abundance. The Universe, my mind, God is telling me what to do and I'm denying it. While I'm writng about abundance and receiving messages for it, I'm self-sabatoging myself minutes into this journey.
I know affirmations and especially imagery work. It's worked for me in the past. I need for it to work now. Hence, today begins my Louise Hay experiment. And ironcially, it didn't take me long to find a free blog site and figure out how it works. Maybe a total of three minutes.
For the next year, I'm going to become her student. I will practice her teachings, follow her lead, and let my life unfold as abundantly as the Universe allows. I can't wait to see how my new dream board unfolds. Thank you in advance, Louise Hay, for your guidance and wisdom and faith.
-Shannon
Again, that was years ago.
Upon my second diagnosis of cancer, my step-sister in Washington sent me one of Louise Hays' books, You Can Heal Your Life. That was months ago. Just recently, I picked it up and started adding it to my morning routine: wake up, read a passage from a Christian meditation book, maybe write a few lines from that if I felt compelled, drink some water with fresh lemon, and walk the dog. Reading a chapter from Louise's book was added after the meditation book. Chapter 9 (I believe) pushed me toward writing down my affirmations, which led me to this blog today.
Being in year three in my fight against cancer, health is the first of my two affirmations. Upon Louise's suggestion, I wrote "I'm healthier than I've ever been" twenty times. As I wrote, thoughts -- more like words -- popped into my head. Water (I know haven't been drinking enough lately). Vitamins (I had to stop taking them two weeks before my surgery that was last week and I haven't restarted yet.) Walk. (Again, surgery) Tea (I am drawn to coffee, but know tea is so much better.) As I wrote my affirmation, my mind and body knew what I needed and it sent the messages loudly and clearly to me. Okay, I thought, I can do this. Thank you for keeping me focussed.
Then I switched to my second affirmation.
In total, my diagnosis has kept me out of the classroom for nine months so far, but will be closer to fifteen by the time I return. That means for fifteen months I've received a very small portion of my salary, whatever was left after my school distrcit paid my sub, usually about 1/4 of what I'm used to getting. Needless to say, money has been an issue for my family of four and a worry. As Louise emphasizes, as does my Christian medication book, worry is a waste. It sabbatoges my brain, taking as much as it can so there's little left for the positive thoughts. So affirming wealth, I know, is a crucial part of my recovery and part of me reaching my potential.
"I have so much money I don't know what to do with it, and it's fun." This I wrote ten times, not twenty like the other. Great line. But by the time I was on my second or third draft of the affirmation, I started having physical reactions. First, I felt my body suddenly get warm, as if I was suddenly being struck by a fever. My mind did send me a message during in the midst of the heat: write. Okay, I accepted that. The heat continued and I started sweating. Another message: rather than write in your journal, start a blog. As I was writing I argued with myself. I want to start writing today and it would take too long to figure out how to start a blog. I kept writing the affirmation: "I have so much money I don't know what to do with it, and it's fun." Another thought. Include Louise Hay's name in the title. Beads of sweat actually started dripping off my bald head. I large wall popped up in my head. You can't do that!
Okay, I know what's going on, I thought. I've read about this in her book. I'm blocking myself from accepting this abundance. The Universe, my mind, God is telling me what to do and I'm denying it. While I'm writng about abundance and receiving messages for it, I'm self-sabatoging myself minutes into this journey.
I know affirmations and especially imagery work. It's worked for me in the past. I need for it to work now. Hence, today begins my Louise Hay experiment. And ironcially, it didn't take me long to find a free blog site and figure out how it works. Maybe a total of three minutes.
For the next year, I'm going to become her student. I will practice her teachings, follow her lead, and let my life unfold as abundantly as the Universe allows. I can't wait to see how my new dream board unfolds. Thank you in advance, Louise Hay, for your guidance and wisdom and faith.
-Shannon
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