Day 25: Welcoming Prosperity

Dear Universe,
I welcome prosperity, wealth, and endless resources.  Thank you for sending me the messages of opportunity, for givinig me the drive to pursue them, and for having them result in generous gifts of money, love, and kindness.  Thank you.

Day 23: Attracting Riches

As I've written before, I know that riches include wealth and prosperity, but are certainly not limited to those.  Richess have much more than a monetary value.  The greatest richness is love and support from family and friends. 

I've found that during my cancer struggle, many of those friends poop out after a while.  While a cancer patient's life can be drastically altered, those around him or her still have their same, busy lives.  Considering this, I'm so grateful for a few recent surprises of riches being attracted to me.  This week alone, two friends, rather two acquaintances, brought over the most marvelous meals for our family, one with a side of goregous sun flowers that rest on our side table in the living as the first thing anyone sees when they walk in the room.  The second was just as marvelous, brought to us in an adorable picnic basket with chocolate cake for dessert.  My boys loved that.

More riches that came into my life was a surprise package in the mail yesterday.  It was addressed to me with the return label of the company, but no card inside.  Inside the package was an empowering sweatshirt labeling me a cancer survivor and fearless woman.  The shadow of the woman on the front had long hair, reenforcing my desire, my need, to get hair extensions as soon as my hair is 2 inches long.  What a fun treat that will be. 

I welcome all riches. "Riches of all sorts are drawn to me."  I deserve them, appreciate them, and live with the reality that I am magnet for them.  Thank you, God.

Day 22: I Create Wonderful New Beliefs for Myself

From Inner Wisdom by Louise L Hay, p. 25

"These are some o fthe beliefs that I have created for myself over a period of time that really work for me:

I am always safe.

Everything I need to know is revelaed to me.

Everything I need comes to me in the perfect time-space sequences.

Life is a joy and is filled with love.

I am always healthy and whole.

I prosper wherever I turn.

I am willing to change and grow.

All is well in my world."

Day 21: 5am

When I woke up to see the clock read 3:22 am, I wasn't surprised.  I've been waking up quite a bit in the middle of the night.  The pre-chemo steroids amp me up, which is fine during the day, but quite a dread at night.  Just like the previous night, I sat at my computer answering emails and pretending there was something interesting enough on the Internet to keep me out of bed.  By 4:00am I was lying down again, hoping sleep would come.  Our 6-year-old had climbed in bed with us in the middle of the night, so I had a chance to get in some quality snuggling -- with his foot.  Truly.  He had attached himself to my husband and short of me putting all three bodies in a 3-foot clump on the edge of our king-sized bed, I just grabbed on to any body part he had that was near me, and snuggled.  I told myself that if I was still awake by 5:00, I'd get up and start my morning routine.  The next time I propped myself up to look at the clock on my husband's nightstand, it read 5:00 exactly.  Well, time to get up.

Last night I attended a book signing event at a local wine bar.  Nice ambiance. :)  The book's author is a cancer survivor from her early 20's who went on to lose her husband about 8 years later to cancer, leaving her to raise her son alone.  Her story is about coping with his illness, death, and life afterwards.  While the book is surely moving, what struck me most about her is how she turned tragedy around into helping others.  She's since established a non-profit called Don't Wait, encouraging people to seek the achievement of goals they had been putting off for whatever reason.  Profits from her book sales and Don't Wait pendants help finance the non-profit.  She is also promoting a television pilot, a type of reality show during which she seeks out people with Don't Wait goals and helps those goals come to fruition.

Part awe.  Part inspriation.  Part jealousy.  Part guilt.  What am I doing with my life?  Why haven't I taken advantage of this time off to start another business?  To write another book?  (Oh wait, I wrote one.)  To find ways to make more money?  To be that expert on TV offering advice in some area -- education, children, living your best life?

Oh wait, I've done all that before.  Was I more joyful when I was running my tutoring company, driving all over the Sacramento area meeting families, interviewing and hiring tutors, matching them with needy students, marketing, sending out invoices, collecting on unpaid invoices?  Not really.  If I could structure it so that I could get some help, I think I might like it again.  I'll process all that and meditate on it and see where it leads me.   

What about writing?  I obviously love it.  I crave it in the mornings and miss it when I don't write.  What I don't miss is the feeling that nobody wants to read what I write when publishers deny my submissions.  Well, I need to write because I love to write, not because I think I'm going to get anything out of it.  Next week I'm going to revisit the book that Mitch and I wrote years ago and start editing.  Even if that book becomes an ebook that I just present at conferences, I'll be happy that I'm getting the word out.

Did I like being an expert on TV?  Actually, yes.  It was fun.  Maybe I'll persue that again.  I did it for free and had fun changing topics each month.  Why not. 

All of the above links to my love for education and helping children.  If I can work on linking all the above together over the next few months, I can potentially start something significant in my life and in the lives of so many children, parents, and teachers.  We'll see where life brings me.

I think that by staying busy with the above will help me release the cancer-patient identy that I've created.  My cancer, like the author I met last night, will soon be a distant memory.  She mentioned that when she was recently interviewed on a TV show, she forgot to mention she was a cancer survivor.  Moreover, when she went back into her memories of the cancer, she couldn't even remember when it started.  I long to have cancer as a distant memory.  I can't wait until my hair is 2-inches long so I can get extensions, until my chemo is over so I can get into Bikrams yoga and then start at the gym.  When I am sitting reading a book, not because I need to rest from the chemo or from a surgery, but because I just want to read. 

As Hays' meditation titled "I Let Go of the Need for This Condition in my Life" closes:  "But when I am ready to let it go, it is amazing how the smallest thing can help me release it."

(Hay, Louise. Inner Wisdom:  Meditations for the heart and Soul. Hay House Incoorporated, Carlsbad, CA. 2000.)

Day 18: Perfection

Today's meditation passage was an emphasis on perfection just as we are.  "I am perfect just as I am right now.  I am sufficient."  For me, I take this as I am imperfectly perfect.  As Hay writes: "I do not have to prove anyone or anything who I am."  This is significant for me.

Part of the stress that brought on my cancer was the desire to be perfect.  I believe so many of us struggle with that unachieveable dream.  In that struggle, we put more pressure on ourselves than we can handle.  Lose weight -- again.  Make more money.  Have more friends.  Drive a certain type of car.  And once we have children, it's child, be a perfect reflection of me as your parent.

Perfection is a score on a spellig test or a sunset or a rose.  It's not a person.  The moment Eve took a bite of the apple, we became imperfect, which is part of how unique and wonderful we are.

Today I embrace my imperfections as a glorious reflection of Me.  The chip in my tooth.  The powder-blue minivan I drive.  The tight budget on which I choose to live.  As I meet new people today, I will meet them with confidence and authenticity.  There's no need to prove myself to anyone but God.  He loves me as I am, and at the same time is constantly unleashing power in me to be more.  I follow His lead.     

Day 17: Getting Work Done

Today I had energy and spent it getting some work done, tasks I'd been procrastinating.  I know that in order to reap benefits, I need to do the work.  Work is sometimes joyous and often just crap that needs to get done.  Today was half and half, but if felt good to check everything off my list.  Thank you for the morning motivation that reminded me how powerful we humans are.

Day 16: Back After the Chemo Fog

Fortunately I know my chemo regimine of taxotere and gemzar works on me because it sure does knock me out.  I spent most of Thursday in bed, then made it down to the couch by 5pm.  On Friday and Saturday I had more energy, but not enough to wake up before the rest of the family to write.  This morning I woke up on my own at 6:19 and knew it was time to greet the day in a typical Shannon way.  And Maya even got in her walk.

Part of my energy today is coming off a high last night.  Tyler and I and quite a few friends attended a fundraiser for a wellness center that a previous counselor of mine has envisioned for years.  This woman, Patti, has been helping cancer patients and survivors heal through group counseling for years, focusing on breathing, meditation, mindful eating, music, art, journaling, yoga, and so much more.  Her vision is to create a center that encompasses all of this for free so that people struggling with cancer and their families can have a place to heal holistically.  Insurance covers the drugs that pad the pockets of the executives of pharmecutical companies, but it doesn't offer anything to heal the whole patient.  Patti wants to heal the whole patient.

The event was a dinner and silent auction in Grantie Bay attended by approximately 200 people. Money for the center was being raised through the auction items.  I was distressed when I walked around to the tables to peruse the items and found that some of the items had no bidders, or the increments that people increased the bids were very little.  Yes, I know these are tough economic times and we may even be in the midst of a double-dip recession, but if a person was in attendance at this event, they're not doing too badly. 

After Patti gave her introduction, everyone was thanked, and evening's MC gave one last plug for auction items, I felt more needed to be said.  Hence, not a shy girl, I asked the MC if I could say something.  Of course tears came to my eyes first, and I assured everyone I had only one glass of wine.  After their chuckles, I reached out to them to give more, to raise their bids.  "Winning one of these items may be a little financial stretch on you, but when you're diagnosed with cancer, you're often out of a job.  And when you're rediagnosed, you're out of a job again."  This may be a little stretch for you, but imagine what will come out of it when Patti gets here center."  Of course more babbling came with this, but that was the gist of what I said. 

Apparently, the bids surged after that, and I even won a 1-year gym membership to Gold's Gym to help me get back in shape one all this chemo is over. 

I now know that part of my cancer is to help Patti.  My role is to help bring her vision to life and to play whatever part she needs from me.  Cancer is a gift in many ways.  In this case, it will be the gift of helping someone achieve their dream.  Thank you, God.